Kids Say the "Durness Things"

They keep you on your toes . . . Pay attention! 

A chuckle or two to end your weekend. 👇

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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 TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. 

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. 

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Mark, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Mark: A teacher

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A Chuckle to End Your Day

 

~ ~ Stupid Short Jokes ~ ~

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says,

"Holy S-h*** it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy S-h***... A talking muffin! 😕

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"A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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A man: "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

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Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." 🤯

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Monday Night Humor

                             Computer Problems

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I was having trouble with my computer. So, I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like a Mission Control Station and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless I inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' 

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' 

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ...

I used to like that little farrt.............

Image Source Unknown

Didja gitta good laff OR NOT?!

It’s Never Too Late to Laugh!

1^st… Remember …
They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

 

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Ummm, Just cut it ...

...into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

 

Yes, They Walk Among Us!

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2^nd - Higher Education

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow !"

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#3 -Days of the Week

Without God, the days of our week are:

 Mournday

Tearsday
Wasteday
Thirstday

Fightday

Shatterday

and,

Sinday

So, allow Him to be with you every day!'

'Life is short, so forgive quickly.

Believe slowly ... Love truly.

Laugh uncontrollably…every chance you get

Never regret anything that makes you happy.

And, have a wonderfully blessed Sunday night!

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Cats & Dogs

Higher Education 

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow !"

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The Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT: DO-NOT-TALK-TO-MY-PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See? Men just don't listen!!!

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Kids Say the Darndest Things

They Are Really Quick

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Happy Saturday Night Blog Friends!

Hypocrisy & Ambiguity2

~More Hypocrisy & Ambiguity~

Deciding which shoes to wear today . . .  ⇑

1. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

2. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

3. If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

4. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

5. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

6. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

7. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

8. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

9. How is it possible to have a civil war?

10. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

11. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

12. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

13. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S"in it?

14. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of assteroids"?

15. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Girls Night Out

Why women should avoid girls night out...

Ladies Night Photo

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit tipsy, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally loaded...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

Girls Night Out 

 The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight". He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! I Dodged that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s---", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed gas."

Image © by ~dellgirl~

Disclaimer: This is not about ME...LOLL😊    This is an e-Mail I received from a friend.

Friday Finally!

Get ready, Get set,

GO!

First, get in the mood and then . . .

Let the FUN begin!

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Pick One

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family. 

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”  

"I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." 

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Kids!

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How 'bout THAT!? 

😄

Happy Friday Night Everyone, 

Wishing you a great weekend!

Zen Sarcasm

Zen Sarcasm 

Japanese Gardens 2012 - Houston

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal yourneighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Saturday Night Humor

10 Things You Should Know About 

Texas & Texans 

          

1. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

2. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'

3. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'

4. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘EM...

5. You measure distance in minutes.

6. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

8. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

9. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew or chili weather.

10. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dat-gummit.

Never Lie To A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said. . .

. . . " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up".

"Oh! And, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

Thank God It's Friday!

 That look when you know it's Friday!

Jace has that feeling you get when you know it's Friday!😉 💖 

Welcome friends! 

It's time to sit back, relax, and enjoy some Friday Funnies. We hope you get a chuckle or two. 

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Just an appetizer here, keep reading.

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Keen On Cleanliness

Boss:- We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

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A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.

“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”

“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”

When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”

“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!"

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Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

 As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

Happy Friday Night!

Twas The Night Before Easter

...And all around the WEB people were yawning, stretching nodding. Waiting for the Easter Bunny! 

He sent you this message to calm your frazzled nerves. 

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Enjoy Your Day!

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