Hypocrisy & Ambiguity2

~More Hypocrisy & Ambiguity~

Deciding which shoes to wear today . . .  ⇑

1. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

2. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

3. If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

4. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

5. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

6. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

7. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

8. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

9. How is it possible to have a civil war?

10. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

11. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

12. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

13. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S"in it?

14. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of assteroids"?

15. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Friday Finally!

Get ready, Get set,

GO!

First, get in the mood and then . . .

Let the FUN begin!

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Pick One

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family. 

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”  

"I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." 

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Kids!

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How 'bout THAT!? 

😄

Happy Friday Night Everyone, 

Wishing you a great weekend!

Saturday Night Humor

10 Things You Should Know About 

Texas & Texans 

          

1. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

2. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'

3. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'

4. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘EM...

5. You measure distance in minutes.

6. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

8. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

9. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew or chili weather.

10. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dat-gummit.

Difficult English

TRY TO SAY THESE . . .

QUICKLY and CORRECTLY

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to      present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Pucker Up

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.

 A big Texan standing at the bar said
to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."

He walked over to the prospector and said,
"You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?"

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm
from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."

"Now tell me something," said the Texan,
"Can you dance?"

"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And
with that the Texan took out his gun and started
shooting at the prospectors’ feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector
made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon.
As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard
a click. He looked around and there, four feet from
his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you
ever kissed a mule?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan,

"but I've always wanted to."

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Never Lie To A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said. . .

. . . " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up".

"Oh! And, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

Twas The Night Before Easter

...And all around the WEB people were yawning, stretching nodding. Waiting for the Easter Bunny! 

He sent you this message to calm your frazzled nerves. 

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Enjoy Your Day!

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Sunday Night Humor

Have you heard any good jokes lately? Tell us all about it in the comments section. We'd love to hear it! I need a good laugh to end  my weekend. What about you?

Ok, I have my snack. I'm READY!

 A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"

The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”

The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”  

Source 

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.” 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 

The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”

Source 

Talkin' Texas

Following is a list of commonly used words we use here in Texas. See if you can read (and understand) the list of words. 

If you understand them, tell us in the comments section what one or two of the words mean. 

My Photo

If you can read this, you probly from Texas.

Happy Friday Night to You, enjoy your night! 

Thursday Thoughts

Sharing Random Thoughts 

This is from an eMail from a dear friend. 

Click the image.

Another eMail from a dear friend.  

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Random Thoughts

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to  immediately clear your computer       history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize         you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 😏

Sunday Motivation

Happy Sunday! 

I hope you're having a wonderful day. Stay Blessed blog friends.

This is a good reminder to be thankful.

So So True! I had an experience with this a few days ago. 

I know this feeling well. BTDT - Been There Done That.

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I'm working hard...as fast as I can...to get to this!      

Good Night Blog Friends. 

Enjoy your night!

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Christmas Greetings

I Wish You A Merry Christmas 

& 

A Happy New Year!

Wishing you safe holiday travels...

Ooops, looks like Santa forgot to feed somebody! Po' thang, he's "plummm tuckered out"!

Don't worry Pops, "We Got this!

Don't just stand there staring, "DO SOMETHING!!!"

Wishing you peace, love, & JOY!

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Saturday Night Humor

Time to relax...

Breathe deeply, 

and Enjoy some serious Saturday night silliness!

 

I WISH!!!

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Funny Old Folks

A Friday 13th Funny Story

Roger left for work on Friday 13th morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.  Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Oh harr-dee-har-HaHahaa! I'm Cracking-Up over here!!! ==============================================

Short Retirement Jokes:

How Do You Feel?

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”

“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

Ok, enough already...
Happy Friday Night Everyone!

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Wednesday Night Humor

A Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD, I NEED FOOD!!

I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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