A Chuckle to End the Day

 

A Very Smart Mule

A young farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

A Blast from the Past

Kids Say the Darndest Things

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6-year-old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4-year-old nods her head in approval. 

The 6-year-old continues, 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$. The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what she wants for breakfast, she replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! She flies out of her chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying her eyes out, with her mother in hot pursuit, slapping her rear with every step. Her mom locks her in her room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young lady?

 ' I don't know', she blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!'

Image SOURCE: 

Kids Say the "Durness Things"

They keep you on your toes . . . Pay attention! 

A chuckle or two to end your weekend. 👇

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria

______________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

_________________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

____________________________________________

 TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_____________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. 

_____________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. 

______________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

_______________________________________________

TEACHER: Mark, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Mark: A teacher

_______________________________________________

OLD but True. . . and funny!

 You Know You're Living in 2024 when...

 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You have to LOOK through your phone for YOUR OWN phone number            because you don’t know it “by heart”!

5. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

6. You text good morning/good night to loved ones instead of calling them on the phone to talk.

7. Your reason for NOT staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses or cell phones (for texting).

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

9. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

10. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 50) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

11. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You call on the phone from your room for someone to bring you a bottle of water from the kitchen.

11. You carry your cell phone around in your pocket all day long . . . to have if you need it.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  :)

12 You're reading this and you’re nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly who you are going to share this message with.

14. You are too busy to notice there are 4 #11(s) on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check how many #11(s) are on this list. 

16. You walk around looking for your cell phone only to realize you're talking on it.

17. You point your cell phone at the tv to change channels. 

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING-OUT-LOUD . . . by yourself.

Happy Friday Night, dear friends!

A Chuckle to End Your Day

 

~ ~ Stupid Short Jokes ~ ~

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says,

"Holy S-h*** it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy S-h***... A talking muffin! 😕

~ ~ ~

"A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

~ ~ ~

A man: "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

~ ~ ~

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." 🤯

~ ~ ~

It’s Never Too Late to Laugh!

1^st… Remember …
They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

 

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Ummm, Just cut it ...

...into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

 

Yes, They Walk Among Us!

~~~~~~~~~~          ~~~~~~~~~~          ~~~~~~~~~~      

2^nd - Higher Education

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow !"

~~~~~~~~~~          ~~~~~~~~~~          ~~~~~~~~~~      

#3 -Days of the Week

Without God, the days of our week are:

 Mournday

Tearsday
Wasteday
Thirstday

Fightday

Shatterday

and,

Sinday

So, allow Him to be with you every day!'

'Life is short, so forgive quickly.

Believe slowly ... Love truly.

Laugh uncontrollably…every chance you get

Never regret anything that makes you happy.

And, have a wonderfully blessed Sunday night!

~~~~~~~~~~          ~~~~~~~~~~          ~~~~~~~~~~      

Blue Monday Remedy

~~Laughter is the BEST Medicine~~

*Zen Sarcasm – Pt. 2*

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
 
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
 
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
 
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

LMAO

Delete That! 

This cracked me up...😅

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90. 

So, she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow-up doll. 

So, they go upstairs and do their thing. 

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" 

The other one says, "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?" 

"I think mine was a witch." 

"A witch?" 

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

Source: Laughy - Funnys Jokes - Best Humor Online

Zen Sarcasm

A chuckle or 2 to end your day . . .

 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.
 
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
 
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
 
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
 
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
 
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

They Live Among Us

Dumb Criminals

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

SMH . . . 👀

A Chuckle to End Your Night

True (er} Words . . .  

 

Have never been spoken!!!

Wishing you a blessed night!

Cats & Dogs

Higher Education 

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow !"

_________________________________________________________

The Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT: DO-NOT-TALK-TO-MY-PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See? Men just don't listen!!!

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Something FUN!

A Guide:  How to be Annoying

 

If you find yourself at a loss for something interesting or fun to do, the following "things-to-do" are a sure thing. They will amuse, tickle, or annoy.

Lighten up, life is serious enough!

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.  

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in foreign currency.

Forget the punchline to a long joke but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in family or co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."

Never make eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

 For more fun visit Joke of the Day